Holidays are around the corner, or just ended (Happy Hanukkah!) and nobody can expect one to lose a ton of weight during these times (though rock on if you do)!
But there IS a way to “lighten up,” by way of some good ol’ diet humor. And perhaps you can get a bit of weight loss assistance with the calories you’ll burn from laughing. So, without further ado, I present to you:
Diet jokes, “tips”, and one-liners (eye-rolling counts as exercise, right?)
1. I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn’t help but notice a guy sitting at the bar scribbling on some paper and
“Why are you so happy?” I asked.
“My wife’s been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she’s lost 5 pounds.” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?” I asked.
“Well,” he says “I’ve worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!”
2. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the heck she is.” -Ellen DeGeneres
3. Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands—and then eat just one of the pieces.
4. Diet tip: Eat as much pasta as you want followed by an equal amount of antipasta and then it’s like you didn’t eat anything at all!
5. It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the “seconds”.
6. The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
7. What do you call a person who abandons their diet? A desserter.
8. For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
A. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
B. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
C. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
D. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
E. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
I hope you got a few good belly laughs out of this! Happy Holidays